DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon�
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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