The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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