I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
