Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Randomize
