so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
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