You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
