Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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