Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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