12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
