If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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