This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Randomize
