i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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