you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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