At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Randomize
