Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
