I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Randomize
