I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Randomize
