I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Randomize
