those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
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