i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
