I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize
