why didn't you poke me back
$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Randomize
