i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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