Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
