This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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