my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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