Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
