i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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