i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Randomize
