How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
