you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
