I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
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