I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Nicole vs. Life
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
