i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Randomize
