did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Randomize
