Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Randomize
