you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
