She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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