Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Randomize
