I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
Randomize
