There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
