It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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