Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
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