dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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