Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
