Greg found me on xtube. Who knew random hook ups would leave their web cams on and upload it. At least it shows off big penis.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Randomize
