I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
