I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
