I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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