so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
